Denial. No River Cliche Here

de*ni*al: a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality

Doesn't sound pretty, does it. However, this perfectly describes the past year of my life. Eyes shut tight with my face all scrunched up, fingers in my ears and my mouth singing, "LALALALALALALALA!"

See, the thing is, I love food. I mean, I really love food. It nourishes me. It calms me. It's my friend. I have this thing where I isolate myself from all of my friends and family, tell myself I have no friends, and then wonder why I feel so alone. (Yeah. Bipolar isn't fun.) Wanna know who is there? Who is always there? Food. When I'm lonely, hurt, or whatever other negative emotion you can throw in, food is there to be my friend.

*I'm sure there is plenty in that above paragraph to pick apart. Especially if you're the type that likes to pick people apart.*

The thing is, not all friends are created equal. There are the great friends who encourage you to do better. Who know that you don't have to settle for the mediocrity in your life. There are also the friends that pull you down and want to see you revel in the muckiness of life. So it is with food.

There is the food that lifts you up to good health and the food that tears you down to disease. Just like our dysfunction can cause us to choose bad friends, our (my) dysfunction can cause us (me) to choose bad food. What this all boils down to, dear readers, is that I've been choosing bad friends. If you've read my previous blog posts, which it's been ages since I've posted (Yeah. Sorry about that.), you know that I have diabetes. I was diagnosed last April. If you want the skinny (haha) on that, then you can go back and readthis.

I'm sure you know where this going. I haven't wanted to deal with this. Dealing with the ins and outs of bipolar everyday is bad enough. Adding ANOTHER major disease is just plain cruel. At least it is to me. I've finally reached the point, though, where I'm ready to deal. Accept? No. I hate it. I can't even describe how much I hate it. I can't keep on like this, though. I don't want to be someone who dies from diabetes (my great grandma), or be blind (my mom), develop Alzheimer's (my mom) have limb(s) amputated (a couple of friends). I was already making plans to start eating right. Planning as in bookmarking recipes, making grocery lists, purging the house of bad food. Then I read a statistic today that caused me to sit and and take notice. A diabetes diagnosis reduces life expectancy by years. TWENTY. YEARS. I'm 34. That makes me take notice. I don't want to die young. I want to sit on a rocker on our front porch with my hubby Steve when we're old and gray. I want my great grandchildren to know who I am. Twenty years? That puts a huge a damper on my plans. I have to change. I can't keep on this path. This isn't even about being fat anymore. (OK. It is but it's no longer the main focus.) This is about me doing my best and not settling for that mediocrity.

I know this isn't going to be easy. I've known that for a long time. Now? I'm ready to face it head on. Expect more blog posts to come with the how's Ima gonna do eet!

Until then!
Amy

Some News

I know I've been quiet for a while. Some of you have been cheering me on and have wondered about my progress. I have to admitt, I've been off the wagon,so to speak, for a while now. I have this thing about self-discipline. I don't really have much to speak of. Not to say that I've been eating horribly. I have at times, just not all the time. It's hard. Weightloss is hard. You know what else is hard? Diabetes. It runs in my family. My mom has it, my grandpa had it. All kinds of family members have had it. It's something I've always wanted to avoid. You know what though? I'm not that lucky. Today, I found out I have it. Not because of my eating or lifestyle. It's because of a medication I take for the bipolar. They told me it was a risk. A small risk but a risk nonetheless. Maybe I fell into the folly of youth (I mean I'm not THAT old) and thought I was invincible. Now I have it and I'm devastated. I know I'll be ok. It could be worse, so much worse. Steve and a very good friend have been super supportive today. I was at this friend's house when I got the news. I just need this time to come to terms with what's wrong with me and how I'm going to deal with it all. I'm going to cut this short before I start rambling on and on. Thanks for reading. Any prayers sent my way would be greatly appreciated. Love, with all my heart, Amy

Today Was 'A" Day

A is for Atkins. That's good enough for me! LOL (who gets the reference?)

So today was A day. I've officially started Atkins. I stuck with the diet and it was easier than I thought it would be. Especially since my job decided to show their appreciation of the workers by offering soda (I've officially given up soda), chips, rice crispy treats, chocolate donuts, cake and cinnamon rolls. Yeah. Exactly. However I stuck to my guns and only ate what I brought. Good thing it was tasty and satsifying because I could have jumped into the box of rice crispy treats.

I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 236.6 lbs. This is hard for me to say to all of you. That's two of my friend Heather. Literally. I don't want to be this way anymore. I think I've finally reached the point where I'm just FED UP! I was told by a very nice person today that I have gorgeous eyes, a pretty face and beautiful bone structure. I don't know how he knew (he wasn't flirting. he was trying to get me to let him dye my hair red. He works in the JCP salon) How could he know? You can't SEE my bone structure.

This comes off as self hate, doesn't it? I don't hate myself. I'm actually very comfortable in who I am as a person. I just see the things that are wrong and I know that I need to change. What kind of example am I setting for my girls? I don't want this for them. It's like the child of an alcoholic picking up that beer and starting on that path to alcoholism. Except sub Ben and Jerry's half baked ice cream for the beer.

Any who, today was a good day. With the exception of one disgruntled client at work (disgruntled is an understatement), work went smoothly. I had fun. I really like the people I work with. I'm not just saying that because I know some of them may be reading this. They're a good group of women.

I'm loving a website I found called low carb friends. It has recipes and a message board where I've found some fantastic support from people who are in the same boat as me or who have been there. This is going to be key to me staying the course. As I've been told, this isn't going to be easy but it's going to be worth it.

I hope this finds you, my dear friends, well. What are some of your goals for 2012?

Love and kisses to you all,
~Amy

Here We Go... Again

I know I'm not the most consistent blogger. I read a lot of blogs, and it isn't as if I don't have anything to say. If you know me in real life then you know I'm a chatterbox. Unless of course you work with me. Then you must be wondering, what chatterbox? Amy is a quiet gal and doesn't have much to say. But that's another topic. :)

I know I said that I was starting Atkins back up a couple of months ago but my DH (darling husband) pointed out I wanted to start a week before Thanksgiving. After thinking about it, we both agreed to wait until the new year. Trying to start (ok, restart) a major life change like this right before the holidays wasn't my best idea.

So I've been spending the past few days really researching the low carb life style. I've utitlized the Atkins website which is free and full of tips and support. I also found another website for low carbers that offers forums where I've found tons of support as well. Steve and I will be starting this on the 10th because I really wanted to understand what I'm doing. Especially since I learned that the Atkins way of life has been updated and a new book came out.

I was able to get my hands on the new book (new atkins for a new you). Very interesting. Tons of new science to back up the diet and things have been tweaked to accomodate new studies that have been done. Something that is emphasized is that Atkins is not a high protein diet. It's a high veggie, moderate protein diet. You do eat a lot of yummy protein but the focus is the veggies. Which I love veggies so that makes me happy. :)

I have some goals for 2012. As my bff Nicky has said in the past,"No more b.s. excuses" I'm done making them. I have to own myself and what I do.

Pray for me. Cheer me on. The moral support really does help.

Love to you all!

~Amy

How It Goes

Hello, happy readers. The holidays are upon us. That means Christmas is almost here. That just asks for a big giant SQUEEE! LOL

Christmas defintely brings out my inner child. The shopping, the music, the decorated tree, the lights, and the presents. Not getting presents but giving presents. I love to give people presents. Which makes being broke during the holidays that much more difficult. If I had my way, I would have a big Christmas bash with lots of food, gifts and people that I love.

I just love the spirit of the holiday. People are different. I don't mean the pepper spraying black Friday shoppers variety. I mean people are more joyful and giving. People use this time of year to give back. Whether it's donating money or clothes to charity or volunteering at their local soup kitchen. They're much more pleasant all around.

You hear the saying, Tis the season. For giving, for sharing, for loving one another. But if you think about it, shouldn't we have the holiday attitude year round? Thanksgiving is for being grateful and Christmas is a day of giving.

So why is it we only emphasize this attitude of thankfulness and giving at the end of the year? Shouldn't we count God's many blessing year round? Shouldn't we give of ourselves and be joyful January through December?

In other news, I start my first real job since I don't know when tomorrow. Suffice to say I was floored when I was offered the job. Truth be told, I thought I was tanking it. I haven't been in a job interview for years. It's a seasonal position at Sephora. I'm hoping that they keep me on after the New Year but I'm just thankful for that I was able to get anything.

I hope all is well with you, my readers. I promise that I'll be posting more regularly.

A belated Happy Thanksgiving to you all,

Amy

Day One Down

So I've gone through the day and managed to stay within my 20 carb limit. I managed to not eat any of the biscuits I made for the kids. (They ate what I ate so I needed to give them some carbs.)

I ate pretty well today.
Breakfast: scrambled sausage and eggs. Coffee with cream and splenda.
Lunch: Spring mix salad with some extra spinach. sliced cucumbers, and mozzerella cheese with ceasar dressing. diet green tea.
Dinner: Grilled chicken with alfredo sauce and green beans sauted with onions in butter. diet green tea.
Snack: 2 oz of colby jack cheese.

I'm taking this one day at a time. I know I can do it for a day. It's only a day, right? Then they begin to add up. Suddenly, you're at a week, then a month. Then one day, you've reached at year. Yeah, AA knows what it's talking about. One day at a time.

Loves to you all.

Amy

Induction.. Again

So today is the day. Starting the who low carb/induction thing again. I was going to say I hope this works but that is completely the wrong attitude. What I am going to say is that I'm going to make this work.

This medication is kicking my rear end. All I want to do is eat. I've gained 15 pounds in the past several months. That's after losing 20. Going low carb will let me eat a lot of things without depriving myself of food.

I have to lose this weight. My doctor told me I'm disgustingly healthy. The only thing wrong with me is I'm overweight. I don't want to develop weight related illnesses.

I appreciate all of the support that people are showing. As my facebook friends know, I have a lot going on right now. I'm sure the stress has contributed to the whole eating thing.

I'll keep you all updated on how things are going. All of you take care. Love you lots.

Amy